READ THIS!! THIS STORY CONTAIN MASS STUPIDITY THAT MAY GET TO YOUR HEAD AND MAKE YOU FEEL CONFUSED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! BEWARE!!
It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Knife Man, woke up in a bush. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling really worried, Knife Man stroked a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved Steak was missing! Immediately he called his lover, Fork Girl. Knife Man had known Fork Girl for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Fork Girl was unique. She was easygoing though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Knife Man called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Fork Girl picked up to a very happy Knife Man. Fork Girl calmly assured him that most legless puppies sneeze before mating, yet albino cats usually sassily sigh *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Knife Man. Why was Fork Girl trying to distract Knife Man? Because she had snuck out from Knife Man's with the Steak only two days prior. It was a sassy little Steak... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Knife Man got back to the subject at hand: his Steak. Fork Girl sneezed. Relunctantly, Fork Girl invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Steak. Knife Man grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Fork Girl realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Steak and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if Knife Man took the tricked out go kart, she had take at least four minutes before Knife Man would get there. But if he took the Plate? Then Fork Girl would be scarcely screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Fork Girl was interrupted by two stupid Pigs that were lured by her Steak. Fork Girl sneezed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling frustrated, she aimlessly reached for her dangerous oil-soaked rag and carefully backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Plate rolling up. It was Knife Man.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Knife Man was out of the Plate and went exotically jaunting toward Fork Girl's front door. Meanwhile inside, Fork Girl was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Steak into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind her elephant. Fork Girl was stunned but at least the Steak was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Fork Girl surreptitiously purred. With a inept push, Knife Man opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted zealous...zealot in a homemade car,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Fork Girl assured him. Knife Man took a seat RIGHT next to where Fork Girl had hidden the Steak. Fork Girl panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Knife Man was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Fork Girl noticed a insensitive look on Knife Man's face. Knife Man slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Fork Girl felt a stabbing pain in her taint when Knife Man asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Steak right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Knife Man's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Knife Man nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Fork Girl could react, Knife Man thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Steak was plainly in view.
Knife Man stared at Fork Girl for what what must've been two minutes. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Fork Girl groped earnestly in Knife Man's direction, clearly desperate. Knife Man grabbed the Steak and bolted for the door. It was locked. Fork Girl let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Knife Man,' she rebuked. Fork Girl always had been a little funny-smelling, so Knife Man knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Fork Girl did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at her or something. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he gripped his Steak tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Fork Girl looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Knife Man. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Knife Man. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Fork Girl walked over to the window and looked down. Knife Man was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Knife Man was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Fork Girl's place. Knife Man had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Pigs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Steak. One by one they latched on to Knife Man. Already weakened from his injury, Knife Man yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Pigs running off with his Steak.
About five hours later, Knife Man awoke, his prostate throbbing. It was dark and Knife Man did not know where he was. Deep in the broad imaginery desert, Knife Man was alarmingly lost. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he remembered that his Steak was taken by the Pigs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a huge Pig emerged from the bush. It was the alpha Pig. Knife Man opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Pig sunk its teeth into Knife Man's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Knife Man's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than seven miles away, Fork Girl was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Steak. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened wolverine. With a quick thrust, she buried it deeply into her fingernail. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Knife Man... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the Steak that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Pigs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
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